Friday, October 29, 2010

Slowed down by anxiety and depression, successfully treated for PTSD, I have recently left a short yet abusive relationship that somehow brought an incredible joy to my life: a little daughter! My teenage son rounds out our family of three.

I am an insecure parent, feeling guilty frequently and over-analysing everything. I desperately want to provide a safe, happy, well-balanced upbringing for them. It is very important to me, considering where I came from.

Now we're in a nice sunny apartment, and I'm trying to get my life in order, start running my household properly, drag my mind out of the pits of self-reflection and doubt and make the kind of life for myself and my kidlets that I can be proud of.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I have been putting the cream on my toes and the strips on my teeth, 3 days in a row now. That's good for me. I need to keep up the momentum. I am going to finish what I start. I've washed the floor, been keeping up with the place, been doing better than before. I tell myself "just do it, don't think about it, zip zip zip, it'll be done so quick", and I get things done. I asked for self discipline this past full moon, I need self discipline. Now I'm trying to do it for myself. So far so good.

Monday, October 25, 2010

new place, fresh start

I am once again considering keeping a running blog of my accounts with life, in particular, the journey towards self-discipline. This just-past full moon I asked for self-discipline. I'm in such a good place, it would be a real shame not to use this wonderful opportunity to my best advantage, which is to get myself established well with my household. I can't truly grow as a person if I don't look after my own backyard. I also can't teach my children properly if I go by "do as I ask not as I do". I have to be a good example. It's my #1 tool with the kids.

So. I have a list of things that I have to work on:

* finish unpacking all the boxes, whittle down stuff, properly store rest
* finish bleaching my teeth with a home kit I go a long time ago
* establish a chore schedule, for both Alex and myself, inside and outside
* establish better meal routines
* plan ahead a few Family Fridays, get Alex interested
* work on actually finishing things that I start =)
* get caught up on paperwork
* go talk to Legal Aid; get custody suit started
* check out Toronto options for finishing my degree
* ... to be continued ...

It's so easy to plan, but so hard to follow through. I lack focus and energy. I thought I had plenty of motivation.. I think I do... but I can't get a fire lit under my ass, and I want to. I *need* to.
So. I have a plan:

If I can't go to the sea, I will bring the sea to me. As such, I will:
* buy seaweed and make Roland's recipe to drink every day
* soak feet in salt water every night
* find the closest pool and go routinely with kids
* find closest salt-water pool and/or hot-tub

Even if I just do the first two items to start with, I hope to feel more motivated to get out and do the other items, plus more like get around Toronto as I deeply long to.

Let's see what happens.