a year later..

It's a year later, and I don't feel I accomplished much of anything except set a bad daily routine and inspired my teenager to do the same. I know I am down on myself, but I don't want to let myself off the hook either.

Need to blog more. I have constant ideas. Here's to blogging more from now on!

Our thoughts are real. Whatever we think becomes reality. What we feel can push our thoughts one way or another, and again affect our reality. Confucius said, He who thinks he can, and he who thinks he can't, are both right. When you think you can't do something, you can't. People who succeed don't know that they can't do it. It's "the Secret", it's visualization, it's faith and belief and focus. It's praying, it's casting a spell. It's getting up and doing it, doing something, getting it done. One step at a time.
I want a lot more for myself and my children than I have right now. I see myself, I see my family, doing these things, and I believe we will get there. I have to ACT towards that goal. I have been sitting on my tuchus for so long. I have to act now.

Slowed down by anxiety and depression, successfully treated for PTSD, I have recently left a short yet abusive relationship that somehow brought an incredible joy to my life: a little daughter! My teenage son rounds out our family of three.

I am an insecure parent, feeling guilty frequently and over-analysing everything. I desperately want to provide a safe, happy, well-balanced upbringing for them. It is very important to me, considering where I came from.

Now we're in a nice sunny apartment, and I'm trying to get my life in order, start running my household properly, drag my mind out of the pits of self-reflection and doubt and make the kind of life for myself and my kidlets that I can be proud of.

I have been putting the cream on my toes and the strips on my teeth, 3 days in a row now. That's good for me. I need to keep up the momentum. I am going to finish what I start. I've washed the floor, been keeping up with the place, been doing better than before. I tell myself "just do it, don't think about it, zip zip zip, it'll be done so quick", and I get things done. I asked for self discipline this past full moon, I need self discipline. Now I'm trying to do it for myself. So far so good.

new place, fresh start

I am once again considering keeping a running blog of my accounts with life, in particular, the journey towards self-discipline. This just-past full moon I asked for self-discipline. I'm in such a good place, it would be a real shame not to use this wonderful opportunity to my best advantage, which is to get myself established well with my household. I can't truly grow as a person if I don't look after my own backyard. I also can't teach my children properly if I go by "do as I ask not as I do". I have to be a good example. It's my #1 tool with the kids.

So. I have a list of things that I have to work on:

* finish unpacking all the boxes, whittle down stuff, properly store rest
* finish bleaching my teeth with a home kit I go a long time ago
* establish a chore schedule, for both Alex and myself, inside and outside
* establish better meal routines
* plan ahead a few Family Fridays, get Alex interested
* work on actually finishing things that I start =)
* get caught up on paperwork
* go talk to Legal Aid; get custody suit started
* check out Toronto options for finishing my degree
* ... to be continued ...

It's so easy to plan, but so hard to follow through. I lack focus and energy. I thought I had plenty of motivation.. I think I do... but I can't get a fire lit under my ass, and I want to. I *need* to.
So. I have a plan:

If I can't go to the sea, I will bring the sea to me. As such, I will:
* buy seaweed and make Roland's recipe to drink every day
* soak feet in salt water every night
* find the closest pool and go routinely with kids
* find closest salt-water pool and/or hot-tub

Even if I just do the first two items to start with, I hope to feel more motivated to get out and do the other items, plus more like get around Toronto as I deeply long to.

Let's see what happens.

at last

Back in November I left the apartment with my children and went to a women's shelter. It was an hour and a half transit ride from home turf. There were good and bad things with it, right from the start.

I had a spot of good luck what with a woman giving me money on the bus because she realized I was on the way to the shelter (she'd been there herself before, and overheard Alex and I talking about the area we were en-route to, and also what with receiving a purple robe when I had thought I wouldn't be getting one after all for Christmas as I had wanted, and also Alex receiving a Monopoly board game, just as he had wanted!

Funny how things take on new meaning sometimes.

The bad luck was that I was amidst changing my meds from one type to another (bad time to be leaving home), my right arm's nerve problems came back with a fury enough that I had to visit an e.r. for the pain, it was Christmas and I was flat broke, and my son had a violent altercation forced upon him at the new school (first time anything like that happened to him. I think I may have been more traumatized by that than him!)

The children and I are back home, and my partner has moved out. Life is much better this way, even though we are facing a move. I'm apartment hunting on line and have found a few possibilities. It looks like we'll have to take a one-bedroom place to afford anything in the area. As long as we're near to Alex's preferred high-school and the rent is affordable.

Things are much less stressful at home. If anyone yells, it's me hollering up the stairs to Alex, or blowing my lid because he won't do his chores without a lot of hoopla on my part, but man! It surely isn't the same kind of tone and meaning as Steve exhibited. And what a difference that has made. My stomach isn't clenched anymore.

today

The other day my boyfriend told me that he is only responsible for his daughter, Olivia, and not for me or for Alex. He kept yelling about Alex renting video games (they only cost $10, and we don't get one every week, maybe like every 2 weeks). He even yelled about Alex needing a hair cut and how he shouldn't be paying for it. I just don't understand. And I don't like it, whatever his problem is. If he doesn't love my son, then he doesn't love me.